One Hip Pharaoh
by Doktor Faust
Summary: After an unfortunate intentional accident, Yami is left with a misplaced hip. On the second day, he's already going crazy! This is going to be one looong recovery! OOC, shonen ai. Please review! ^_^ Wow, I updated! *chap 2 up*
1. Default Chapter

Psycho Bakura: Hello, everyone ^_^ It's time for a new story! This story is based on some true events, actually, so it's going to be a lot of fun to write XD  
As in all of my stories, Ryou Bakura is Ryou, and Yami Bakura is just Bakura; Marik Ishtar is Malik Ishtar, and Yami Malik is just Ishtar; Ishizu Ishtar is Isis Ishtar and Tea is Anzu, because I can't remember which numeric keyboard buttons make the little e with the slash over it ^_^' I don't know if these people will be making an appearance as of right now, but I'm doing this now, so I don't have to explain later, okey pokey? Wonderful ^_^  
  
Dark Necrophia: The story has to have a disclaimer, so that's what I'm here for.  
  
DISCLAIMER: YGO is copyright to Kazuki Takahashi, and does not belong to Psycho Bakura. No suing, okay? Great.

Psycho Bakura: Well, now that we're at an understanding, please, enjoy my story ^_^

PharaohofDuels: …? Does this have anything to do with MY hip?  
  
Psycho Bakura: Maybe it does… P

PharaohofDuels: RARRGHFLOBBWAGGLE! NO FAIR!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ONEHIPPHARAOHONEHIPPHARAOHONEHIPPHARAOHONEHIPPHARAOH

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the most beautiful day Domino City had seen for the past month. The sky was clear and blue, the birds were singing, the sun was shining brightly, kids were out playing, and…  
  
"I HATE PEOPLE!"

And Yami lie in bed with a misplaced hip. Arrggghhhh… He could still hear Malik and Bakura's voices echoing in his now close-to-feeble mind…

__

~"Oh, my RA!! WE BROKE THE PHARAOH!"~

Yes-sir-ee Bob, they broke the Pharaoh. And boy, was he pissed. And hurt. But mostly pissed. He had screamed mindless obscenities at the other two as they ran down the street, leaving Yami behind to be trampled by the heartless pedestrians of Domino City. But that was yesterday, and as we all know, yesterday is gone. 

Yami was in high spirits despite his condition, but he was sure that if he saw Malik or Bakura, there were going to be numerous cans of whoop-ass that needed opening. Yami frowned. He would have to go buy some of that, because crutches wouldn't suffice if he squared off with them. Oh, yes, crutches would hurt, but not enough.

Yami sighed to himself. He clutched a pillow tightly between his arms and clenched his teeth.  
  
"Why are the gods punishing me?" he said, making sure he sounded extra-miserable, even though no one was around to feel sorry for him. "I'm just trying to live a normal life… I mean… I'm just… it's just that… I… haven't… I… DAMN IT ALL!"

He would yell like this on occasion. He had nothing better to do. He had tried to count the indentations on the ceiling above his bed, he had tried to completely remember his old Egyptian language, he had tried to use his 'awesome mind powers' to levitate things, but yelling gave him an unexplainable power high that nothing could top, not even brutally ripping a person's soul apart by sending their minds to the Shadow Realm and back. He loved it. In fact, yelling had started to become his favorite thing to do (except playing Duel Monsters). He really yelled at nothing in particular… 

Well, he especially liked yelling at the world, people and the gods. Sometimes, he'd yell at himself for yelling so much, and sometimes, he'd yell at his crutches, and then apologize, because he realized that he was going to need their help to get out of bed. And then sometimes, he'd yell for Yugi…

"YUGI!" he yelled.  
  
Yugi was downstairs, cleaning up the kitchen after Malik's failed attempt at cooking. Of course, Malik had run off with Bakura, leaving Yugi to tidy up the mess all by himself. Yugi sighed mentally and frowned.

"HEY, KIDDO!" Yami raged, eye twitching. "I HEARD THAT! WE SHARE A TELELPATHIC CONNECTION, SO EVERYTIME YOU LAUGH, SIGH, OR THINK DIRTY THOUGHTS, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WAS SO FUNNY, WHY YOU DID IT , AND WHO THEY WERE ABOUT!"

Yugi had slowly trudged up the stairs and through the hallway, and he stood before his darker half.

"What do you want, Yami?" Yugi asked.

"Can you make me some chocolate milk?"

"Nope. Malik used the rest of the milk trying to make a cake."

"Ooooo! Malik made cake? Can I have some?" Yami asked, salivating.

"I said he _tried _to make cake," Yugi explained.

"Oh… can I eat some of the chocolate powder we use to make the chocolate milk?"

"No, it's gone too. It caused the inedible disaster in the kitchen. Bakura thought it would be such a good idea to add it in the cake mix, and when they put the cake pan in the oven, it exploded. Can I get you some orange juice, Yami?"

"There's none left. And it was fermented."

Yugi winced. "You didn't _drink_ it, did you?"

"No, but Bakura did. It was hi-freaking-larious! I told him I'd give him some money to do it, and he did, but I never gave it to him. Did you know that fermented juices sometimes become slightly alcoholic?" Yami laughed. "Heh heh. Good times. Can you make me some cereal, Yugi?"

"I TOLD YOU, WE ARE OUT OF MILK, THERE IS NO MORE LEFT. I CANNOT PULL A GALLON OF MILK OUT OF MY ASS. Have I made myself clear?"

"Oh… Well, then… Could you make me a glass of milk?"

"GEEZ! Are you even listening to me?"

"I love you, too, now where's my cereal?" Yami chirruped happily.

Yugi slapped his forehead and walked away.

"Aw, he must be going to the kitchen to fix me some cereal. What a nice guy!" Yami said, smiling contentedly.

This being just the second day, Yugi realized this was going to be one long recovery…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OHMYRA!OHMYRA!OHMYRA!OHMYRA!OHMYRA!OHMYRA!OHMYRA!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Psycho Bakura: I'm enjoying this story, oh yes, I am XD Please, everyone, review my story if you get the chance. I'm not continuing until I get _at least_ seven reviews. 

PharaohofDuels: That's asking a lot.

Psycho Bakura: Not the way I see it. If they like the story, they should review, and then more of the story comes to them. It's a fairly simple system, Pharaoh.

PharaohofDuels: ¬.¬ Yes… *shifty eyes* I'm the Pharaoh… I understand _everything_.

Psycho Bakura: *sigh* Just review, would ya'? Thanks a lot, and ~Em Hotep~! 


	2. Hell beneath a blanket

Psycho Bakura: Oooooohh, seven reviews ^_^ Thank you, Kimiko Kashibara, for being the seventh reviewer ^_^ I hope you really enjoy OHP a lot, and I hope the others do as well ^_^

It took a while, but I am very happy to finally update the story. I haven't even been around ff.net for a while, because my stupid freaking computer decided to be a bitch and die. ^_^ Good times. Anywho, I update now, because I got seven reviews! *dances* 

Actually, I expected to get the reviews more quickly than what they came, but my expectations of meself are WAY too high, and I'm lowering them as I type. ^_^ I had the second chapter typed as soon as I posted the first. Then, I waited weeks. 

And weeks. 

And weeks. 

But I had 6…. **6** reviews for so long, it hurt… But now, SEVEN!! WHEEEEEE no more pain XD

…

…

…

Eh….. sorry about that ^_^;; …Anyway…. If any one who reviewed is still even interested in the story…. BUH BUH BUH!! Here it is!! XDXDXD And any newcomers are welcome here, too. Because in order to continue on to the next, already-typed, spell-checked, ready-to-post chapter three of One Hip Pharaoh, I will get TWELVE REVIEWS ^_^ Two less than I asked for before! I'm being a greedy bastard. Please excuse me while I go off and cry. But, as I do, you will be reading the story, right? … Right? …. I'll take that as a yes. Oh, and before I forget, this chapter contains implied shonen ai, not that it bothers anybody XD

Dark Necrophia: All disclaimer joy from last chapter applies to this one too ^_^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LETTHEGOODTIMESBEGINAGAINLETTHEGOODTIMESBEGINAGAIN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yo, Yugi!" Malik called, peaking his head into the house. It was clean. Malik smiled. Yugi had done a great job in wiping out evidence of his failure to cook.   
  
"AHEM. YO, YUGI!" Malik called again. He stopped to listen for an answer. He received none. "YO, YUGI, YOU STUPID MIDGET BASTARD!"

No response. Malik laughed. Yugi wasn't here. He turned around and quickly waved his hand at the door, still looking around cautiously. Bakura quietly stepped in behind him.

"Why are we here, Malik? We could be doing…um… _other things_ right now, and you're wasting precious time."

"Don't worry. We won't be here long. We just came for that other box of cake mix."

"Why do we need cake mix? If this is another one of your twisted sex games, I want no part in it."

"No, no no no no no! I'm going to bake a cake," Malik explained. 

"You already tried that. You blew up the oven. You know, you were there," Bakura reminded him.

"Practice makes perfect, Baku-Chan!" Malik said, smiling.

Malik helped himself to the cabinets. He opened the doors and looked around. He saw the cake mix! …Behind a lot of other stuff. He reached in and tried to grab it, but his attempt proved futile. He tried again, but still couldn't quite reach it. He poked Bakura in the back.

"Hey, could ya' get the cake mix? I can't reach it."

"You're taller than me and your arms are longer. I wouldn't stand nearly as good a chance as you, dumass," Bakura said, sighing. "Why don't you just take out the other food and then go for it?"

"Because it would take too long. Now give me a hand."

Bakura held out his hand.

"THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SILLY SARCASM! A BOX OF CAKE MIX HANGS IN THE BALANCE!" Malik yelled. "Give me a push."

Bakura shoved him.  
  
"That's _NOT_ what I meant. Push me into the cabinet."

Bakura did as he was told, and shoved Malik into the cabinet door.

"HEY! You wanna' piece of me?" Malik asked angrily.

"No, I want a piece of cake. And I had better get it before the night is over."

"Well, if you hadn't put that damned chocolate powder in the first mix, we would be eating cake right now!" Malik screamed.

"Oh, sure! Blame it on me! It's always my fault, isn't it?" Bakura screamed back.

"YES! As a matter of fact, it is!" Malik yelled, giving a battle cry.

Malik jumped forward and shoved Bakura backwards into the kitchen counter. Bakura doubled over and dropped to his knees. He fell face forward and hit the ground. Malik's eyes widened. 

"Geez, I'm sorry! Are you okay?" Malik apologized, bending down to help Bakura up. He pulled him to an upright position and leaned him against the counter. He turned his back to make sure no one was looking. Of course no one was looking, because no one was there. Malik turned towards Bakura again and was greeted with a sinister smile.

"Hello…" Malik grinned sheepishly, his lips beginning to quiver.

"Hello…"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yami's eyes widened. He heard numerous crashes downstairs, and there was breaking glass, and it sounded like the house was going to fall down, and, and… Someone was in the house! He thought it might be Yugi, but remembered that Yugi had probably already gone to work. Nevertheless, he called out his counterpart's name…

"Y-YUGI~~~~~!!"

Soon after he yelled, Yami heard the noises stop. He sighed in relief. Until he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. He whimpered, and pulled his blanket over his head. He could see outside of the relatively loose-weave blanket, but fortunately, no one could see inside of it. Wow, what luck. He sang lullabies to himself and tried to think happy thoughts. Slowly, the door to his bedroom opened. Yami stopped breathing, hoping that whoever it was would go away. Malik stepped in, followed by Bakura, and they looked around. But they sure took their sweet time, and Yami was running out of air. The pair were just about to leave the bedroom, when suddenly, Yami sucked in some air.

"B-Bakura…? Are blankets supposed to breathe?" Malik asked, plastering himself to his friend's shirt.

"No…"

"B-But that one is, and it's breathing loudly…" Malik whispered.

Bakura inched his way toward the bed and placed his hand on the blanket. Yami, being slightly ticklish, squirmed.

"OH MY RA! THAT BLANKET IS MOVING! IN MY EXPERIENCE, THAT IS NOT NORMAL!" Malik wailed, tightening his grasp on Bakura's shirt.

Cautiously, Bakura moved his hand over the blanket. He rested on Yami's face.

"It's nothing, Malik. See, it stopped breathi- WHAT THE HELL?! THAT BLANKET BIT ME!" Bakura screamed as he moved his hand around, trying to pull it from the blanket's… uh… mouth. He succeeded and grabbed onto Malik's shirt.

"HEY! THERE IS TO BE NONE OF YOUR FUNNY BUSINESS IN MY HOUSE! NOW GET YOUR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER!" Yami raged from beneath the blanket.  
  
"Oh my Ra, it's talking!" the guilty pair exclaimed at the same time.

"We better do what it says!" Malik screeched. He removed his hands from Bakura's shirt, and Bakura did likewise.

/If I stay here quietly, maybe they'll go away…/ Yami thought. No such luck.

Both Malik and Bakura reached their hands out and slowly pulled the blanket back. Their eyes met Yami's and they quickly threw the blanket back over him.

"Wanna' check again?" Bakura asked. Malik nodded his head.

They pulled the blanket off again.

"GIH! IT'S THE PHARAOH!" Bakura screamed.

"AAAAAHHH! IT'S THE CRAZY PEOPLE!" Yami screamed back.

"AAHHH!" Malik screamed too, hiding his face against Bakura's shirt.

"AHH!"

"AAAHHH!!"

  
"AAHHH!!"

"AAAHHH!!"

"GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! NOW! GO! BEGONE, EVIL DEMONS!" Yami yelled, grabbing a crutch from his bedside. 

Malik and Bakura stood there. Yami brandished the crutch at them. And they ran like hell. Yami grabbed the other crutch and hobbled out of bed. He made it to his doorway and, using the wall for support, crippled his way over to the edge of the stairs. He yelled and threw a crutch down.

"STAY OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!" he raged, tossing the other crutch down. He made direct contact with both of them, and the pair of cake-mix thieves lay unconscious on the ground.

"Oh, crap." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Psycho Bakura: ^_^ Finally got to post a chapter that has been waiting its turn in my folder for quite some time. I am pleased. Remember, everyone, what must happen in order for me to post the next chapter?

Dark Necrophia: TWELVE REVIEWS TOTAL. WHEEE.

Psycho Bakura: I don't mean I expect twelve NEW reviews, I just wish for the total reviews to equal eleven. Please. Feed the starving ego. It's very hungry. Most of you people probably don't even read this crap that's typed before and after the story. XD That would make this pointless. …… …… …… …… XD You know the drill! Click the button below and make me happy ^_^ Submit a review!! Thank you all ^_^

~Em Hotep~


End file.
